Beef Jerky Wars Are Back!!!!

July 8, 2007

Those of you who’ve been perusing the MilBlog scene for awhile will probably rebember the famous Beef Jerky wars that went on back in 2005, when J.P from issued a list of rules for supporters, on his last deployment. In that list of rules was one stating:

For new readers and supporters, every little bit of support helps. Honestly, you could mail me a bag of garbage and I’d find something useful for it. And by garbage, I mean care packages with Word Finds, beef jerky, and magazines dated back to 1980 in them. Sorry, but it’s true. Beef jerky is garbage.

That started a huge war amongst MilBloggers, with Andrew and Mustang23 on one side, starting a Bloggers For Beef Jerky, site and JP and CJ over at starting a site as well called, Beef Jerky For Dummies as an anti-beef jerky site. Of course all of the readers became involved and we had a blast with it. This is J.P.’s announcement of the Beef Jerky Wars beginning again in earnest along with the originial reasonings that Beef Jerky was a “Bad idea” for care packages. As you can tell, J.P. has a wonderfully funny, crazy and sarcastic sense of humor.

Welcome to Beef Jerky for Dummies

Some poor uninformed souls have formed a gang to try to sway public opinion in the fight against beef jerky. This blog is to counter the misinformation they are feeding to an unsuspecting and trusting public. One can only wonder whose influences have shaped the techniques they use and what other sites they are running while “remaining unanimously anonymous”.

If you are here reading this post, that means you too have decided to join in the struggle to defeat one of the fiercest foes our military faces in Iraq, Afghanistan and other far flung lands. Yes, I am speaking of the scourge that is beef jerky. We welcome the chance to fight and know that victory will be ours. Truth will prevail.

On behalf of the staff and contributers to Beef Jerky for Dummies, thank you for visiting and for supporting the cause.


We’re Back
July 6, 2007
We thought for awhile that our efforts had successfully killed any desire by the American populace to send this hideous snack food to our Troops overseas. One can only conclude that America is indeed invested in failure and looking to find any means necessary to demean and demoralize our troops by sending copious amounts of Beef Jerky to “the box”.

Well, we here at Beef Jerky For Dummies can no longer stand by in silence while this degradation of morale justice continues. Save a cow, send Tootsie Rolls!!

Well J.P. is deployed once again and one of his former allies has now helped to resurrect the Beef Jerky Wars. J.P. has now issued a new “Golden Rules For Care Packages.

The Golden Rules of Care Packages (New and Improved!)
Thursday, July 5, 2007, 12:30 PM
I recently revised the Golden Rules of Care Packages because I know my readers always enjoy a good laugh. Either at my expense, or theirs. The only real point to this list, is to have a laugh. So, keep that in mind if you choose to read on. Me, personally, I love each and every care package I receive. But shenanigans like this, is what usually gets me in trouble with readers, so hopefully you have a sense of humor before reading this. Or, a tall glass of wine.

And so, without further ado…

1. Do not send party invitations for weddings or Independence Day or any other festivities while we are deployed. Probably, because we can’t attend. Anybody who sends a party invitation to a deployed soldier is clearly retarded.

2. Do not continue to write a soldier, when the soldier never writes you back. If you really want attention that bad, jump off a building.

3. The meanest thing you can do to a soldier is to send generic, not name brand goods. Hey, I like to save money too, but you should at least have the decency “to not” send care packages. Sending generic brand goods is worse than taking a dump in a cardboard box and shipping it over.

4. No more magazines dated back to 1980. It’s not like anybody is actually going to read them. I know vacuum cleaners with better Care Package sense than you.

5. Don’t ever send school supplies unless we ask. Most soldiers don’t like to criticize care packages, but you could send over a box of deadly scorpions or feces, and that would be the best package you’ve ever sent. Yes, seriously.

6. Do not send a typed written letter about your personal life to a soldier. It doesn’t matter if you’re Elvis Presley back from the dead or the first person to ride a unicorn. Receiving a typed letter about your personal life is the lowest form of support known to a soldier.

7. Don’t shop at the Dollar Store for your soldier. I’m sure it sounds great when you tell your family and friends that you support the troops by sending care packages, but if you’re shopping at the Dollar store, you’re probably worse off than we are. Please, send us the mailing address to the bridge you live under, and we’ll try and help.

8. If it’s not electronic, sometimes (ok, almost always), it’s not worth sending. I’m convinced 99% of what people send us is garbage. I haven’t seen a soldier yet, complain about receiving an iPod in the mail. I’m just saying.

9. Do not send crossword puzzles. Or word finds. It’s a sure way to disappoint a soldier when they open the Care Package. I’ve seen people who were punched in the face repeatedly; look much happier than soldiers who opened care packages with Crossword Puzzles.

10. Don’t tell a soldier that you understand what he or she is going through because your neighbor’s cousin, who has a sister, who has a brother, knows somebody who was deployed. It’s a sure way of having your care package transformed into a kicking ball. Or, a smoking pile of ash.

CJ has sent out an email letting us all know that JP has now declared that the Beef Jerky Wars are back in full swing. Patriot made a post announcing the new Beef Jerky Wars at ASP. If you’d like to participate and contribute to the cause of FLOODING J.P. and other members of Bad Voodoo Platoon with Beef Jerky, Word Searches and 1980 era magazines, please email me, , and we can make arrangements for you to send it to me, to forward on to J.P. I’m sure that this renewed Beef Jerky war will be as much fun as the last one in 2005! Let’s have FUN with this and see how much Beef Jerky we can send to the Bad Voodoo Platoon!

The All Knowing, All Seeing, All Hearing NCO

June 29, 2007

Okay, time for another chuckle or two. Anthony will understand the humor in this one and I KNOW that Marty will. Too funny!

10 Rules For Dating A Servicemembers’ Daughter

June 23, 2007

We haven’t posted anything just for fun in awhie and since we’ve went through all of the Bob on the FOB comics already, I thought I’d lighten things up for a minute. Marty has a daughter, and he’s already told her that these rules WILL apply, when she starts dating.


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, video games, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a lot of land behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an Iraqi tank. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Bob on the F.O.B.: CAB Chaser

May 30, 2007

Well folks, unfortunately this is the last in the Bob on the FOB series.  So, until SGT Merrifield releases more, you’ll just have to review the archives.  It has truly been an honor to feature his work and I will eagerly await any of his future works.

Bob on the F.O.B.: RUMINT

May 16, 2007

RUMINT!  The most reliable and most widely disseminated form of intelligence in the Army.  I love RUMINT, whether it is about PVT Snuffy getting an Article 15 or about PVT Jill dating three guys.  Sometimes, some of the RUMINT makes it feel like you are back at your highschool lunch table.  RUMINT is rarely ever accurate and the story changes with each transmission from person to person.

Bob on the F.O.B. - Hard Lurker

May 9, 2007

Full Metal Jacket…. Northpole Style

May 6, 2007

From time to time Anthony and I try to find things that can put a smile on the face of our readers and make them laugh for a few moments. Something that will take your mind away from all the serious issues and give you a chuckle. I think this little video clip will do just that. Most of us have seen Full Metal Jacket and remember DI in the movie… how could anyone forget him? LOL! Someone decided to put a twist on Full Metal Jacket with this North Pole version.

Groundfob Day

May 2, 2007

Groundfob Day is a very common problem, not only downrange, but all over the military.  I have experienced this as a “shift worker” and it is hard to get used to.  A repetitive schedule sometimes gets the best of you, rendering you useless for recalling the day of the week.

Humor, Even In The Warzone…

April 26, 2007

When I saw this video I had to laugh. You’ve gotta love the fact that our troops can still laugh, even when they’re in the midst of the warzone. It’s great testament to their sense of humor and their resiliency. Hope you all get a chuckle out of it like I did. Anthony, do any of your troops listen as well as these do? LOL!

FOB Locust

April 24, 2007

The FOB Locust will completely empty the PX of all valuables.  It does not matter if the FOB Locust needs the particular products, he must buy them.  He will horde his valuables in a secret stash for later use.

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