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Talk About Priceless…
September 26, 2008
I can honestly say that those of you who weren’t able to join us in Vegas for the 2008 Milblog Conference, missed out on not only the conference, but a chance to spend time with a great group of people. Over at A Soldier’s Perspective, Marcus has a great write-up on just one of the “incidents” that occurred when we weren’t at the conference. Great times and great people. What more can you ask for?
One Day In The Life Of A Mechanic
February 16, 2008
Greetings,
Well, here it is, my life as a soldier, but where to start! Let’s see!!! After a good night’s sleep, dreaming about playing music for my friends and family, I am awoken by the irritating buzz of the alarm clock. I fumble around and eventually, I slam my hand down on the snooze button, turning the clock off. My eyes are glazed with fatigue and burning as I switch the alarm off and stumble out of bed. I give my wife a kiss on the cheek, and say “I love you” as I go into the bathroom and prepare for PT. After a shave, I change from my night clothes, into my PT Uniform, with the black shorts, and the gray shirt with that weird symbol on the back and the word “Army” on the front. Then I get that all important PT belt around my waste, grab the keys, and out the door. As I drive down my street, I hit a road block, Wheeler Traffic. Oh bummer, this traffic is backed up for ever. But it’s a good thing I got up early, if you leave after 5:30, you’re not getting far…
Into the parking lot where I walk a little ways to the PT field just in time for the gang to be forming up. “Begley, where have you been?” the squad leader asks? I reply, “Traffic, but I’m here, safe and sound”. “Well don’t make it a habit, Begley” the squad leader says, just in time for the first sergeant to call “Fall in!!” We stretch out and conduct PT. That was a good run.
We’re dismissed to conduct personal hygiene and are ordered to report to work at promptly 9:00, which is really 8:50. As we stand in formation, the CSM conducts roll call and we go to work. For the next 2 hours, it’s nothing but turning wrenches and helping our local operators PMCS their equipment.
At 11:30, it’s off to lunch for about an hour and a half, my favorite, Philly Cheese Steak, who here loves Philly Cheese Steaks? Then it’s back to work. As I’m turning my wrench, I hear my NCO in the distance. “Begley! come sign this!!” and I hurry along to accomplish my task.
After that, I’m done with my job and dripping with sweat, I go to change out of those coveralls and prepare for formation. We receive our daily notes and briefings from our squad leader and are dismissed.
Back home I go, and quickly out of the uniform, I change, relaxing with my beloved wife and watching those soaps that you love to hate, but must watch, I mean you’re glued to the tv as you wonder “what happens next?”
Then I end up taking my little one for our evening bike ride around the air field. That is the time where she’s the happiest, because she’s with her daddy. It’s going to hurt when I deploy in May, but I will be back.
I finally end up getting a shower, then it’s off to bed where I get up and repeat the whole cycle over again. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
It’s a lot of work being a soldier, but the rewards of serving my country and protecting my family is more than enough motivation to drive me through my day. It got me through Afghanistan, and soon, I’ll test it again in Iraq. No matter what situation I’m in, I will always be proud to be an American, and will always be honored to serve by my fellow men and women as a warrior soldier. HOOAH!
Hotel Camp Fallujah
September 30, 2007
You gotta love these videos from our Troops. This video shows, that despite the things they’re encountering in Iraq, they still manage to hang on to their sense of humor. I must say, that whoever the vocalist is, that he should continue singing, because he does a pretty good rendition of Hotel California.
13 Steps to Recovery/Integration for Soldiers Becoming Civilians
August 27, 2007
Many of us know that there’s sometimes a world of difference between life in the military and life in the civilian world. Imagine spending 20 + years of your life in the military and when you finally retire, you find that things are much different as a civilian. When I ran across this little tidbit of information on MySpace, I thought it was pretty funny and in many cases, so very true. So, I figured that I’d share it here for everyone to enjoy. (I also thought maybe those who are in the military and looking towards retiring or getting out of the military might be able to use the pointers! LOL!)
1. Admit:
“I was in the Army; I have a problem.” This is the first step to recovery…
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of contact, bunk, and “PT” will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout… get used to it.
“Fuck” cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can’t think of right now, try “um”.
Grunting is not talking.
It’s a phone, not a radio; do not use words like “roger,” “say again,” “send it” and conversations on a phone do not end in “out or outta here.”
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like “watch your six.”
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what’s more it’s a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make “financial sense”, it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a “good for you”
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV’s, will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as “unprofessional”.
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can’t make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it’s true.
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can’t save you and probably won’t, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you’ve been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and “conviction” isn’t going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it’s just pain.
They won’t wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
Dealing With Stress In The Warzone…
August 22, 2007
Many people deal with stress in different ways. After downloading the latest edition of The Gladiator Arena, 3rd Brigade Special Troops Battalion, 1st Cavalry Divison’s newsletter, I saw very quickly on the front page, how these guys are dealing with being in a warzone…… with humor! Of course, considering that Marty’s part of that unit and knowing his sense of humor (Sue has first hand knowledge of it), this really doesn’t surprise me. So, I thought I’d share with everyone.
The caption below the photo read:
Contrary to popular belief, Iraq is not a barren desert. Deep in the heart of FOB Warhorse lies a vast tropical forest, pictured above.
I’m still laughing……
Military Rank Structure
August 19, 2007
Okay it’s time for a few laughs. I thought this one was pretty darn funny. Those of you in the Military will understand and appreciate the humor.
1. A General = Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and gives policy to God.
2. A Colonel = Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful that a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm and talks to God.
3. A Lieutenant Colonel = Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster that a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool and talks to God if a special request is approved.
4. A Major = Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is occasionally addressed by God.
5. A Captain = Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, can dog paddle and talks to animals.
6. A First Lieutenant = Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed and talks to water.
7. A Second Lieutenant = Falls over door sill when trying to enter buildings, says “Look at the choo-choo,” wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.
8. An enlisted soldier = Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, freezes water with a single glance…. and is God.
Combat For Dummies
August 12, 2007
It’s been awhile since we had a little humor in the mix, so when I ran across this again, I figured that I’d share it here. I thought it was funny the first time I read it and still think it’s hilarious. Enjoy!
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor
“Aim towards the enemy.”
–Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
–U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
–USAF Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
–Infantry Journal
“A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
–Army’s magazine of prevention maintenance
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
–U.S. Air Force manual
“Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.”
–Infantry Journal
“Tracers work both ways.”
–U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
–Infantry Journal
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
–David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
–Infantry Journal
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
–Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper….once.”
–Anon
“Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.”
–Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
–Infantry Journal
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
–USAF Ammo Troop
Carlin’s Rules for 2007
July 29, 2007
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days–mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
New Rule :? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule : There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule : I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show
New Rule : I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule : If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule : and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”
Rules For Dating A Marine’s Daughter
July 29, 2007
    I E-mailed this to A Soldier’s Perspective’s Corporal Marcus not too long ago. It’s really funny stuff. I don’t know if you guys here at ASM posted it recently, but it’s okay to have another good laugh. So enjoy it. This is “The Rules For Dating A Marine’s Daughter”.
Attennnnnnnnn… tion!
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Diiiiiiiiiissss… missed!
No Horse? Ride A Camel Instead!
July 22, 2007
I was laughing so hard when I first saw this video that I had tears running from my eyes. This is too funny!
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