Rules For Dating A Marine’s Daughter

July 29, 2007

     I E-mailed this to A Soldier’s Perspective’s Corporal Marcus not too long ago. It’s really funny stuff. I don’t know if you guys here at ASM posted it recently, but it’s okay to have another good laugh. So enjoy it. This is “The Rules For Dating A Marine’s Daughter”.

Attennnnnnnnn… tion!

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Diiiiiiiiiissss… missed!


13 Responses to “Rules For Dating A Marine’s Daughter”

  1. Terri on July 29th, 2007 11:00 am

    I posted that about a month or so ago Ryan. Got quite a lot of chuckles out of it and several comments. I believe that I emailed that one to Cpl M as well, back then.

  2. Terri on July 29th, 2007 11:03 am

    Here’s the link to what I posted. The only difference is that the article I posted said Servicemember’s instead of Marine’s. Otherwise it’s the same,
    10 Rules For Dating A Servicemembers Daughter

  3. SealPatriot on July 29th, 2007 11:03 am

    Is Cpl. M still in Iraq? Sorry, haven’t been updated or I just forgot if you already told me.

  4. Terri on July 29th, 2007 11:04 am

    Yes Ryan I believe he still is.

  5. sue on July 29th, 2007 12:24 pm

    This is good stuff Ryan and M is still in Iraq, just counting the days. He also has this posted on the wall in his office!

  6. Terri on July 29th, 2007 12:35 pm

    Damn he and Marty must be thinking alike! LMAO! Marty made sure to send it to his daughter in Indiana and told her that’s the LEAST of what she could expect.

  7. Terri on July 29th, 2007 3:23 pm

    RYAN, check your email!

  8. SealPatriot on July 29th, 2007 10:41 pm

    Sure did, Terri. There is more responses to my posts than last time I checked. Thanks for getting me started on this. Anyway, I will have to start a messengers account at Yahoo. Sorry for the hassle.

  9. Terri on July 30th, 2007 4:16 am

    No hassle at all Ryan. You’re doing great!

  10. ChrisG on July 30th, 2007 9:17 am

    I have two sons. We decided that we will try for one more. I SHOULD, by the odds, get a girl then.

    The two boys will be 4 and 2 years older. I figure they can act as bodyguards for thier sister. Of course, I know this is just a dream. Knowing my luck, the boys will be too busy pissing off Marine and Army fathers elsewhere.

  11. Terri on July 30th, 2007 9:29 am

    Hahahahaha! If your kids grow up to be anything like mine were, your sons will probably be busy trying to come up with ways to terrorize their sister if they have one. LOL!

  12. Dan E. Scott on November 13th, 2007 8:23 am

    This bit of wisdom is priceless. I’ll pass it on to my daughter to use on HER daughter.

  13. goodol'gal on July 22nd, 2008 1:23 pm

    sure do love our American men and soldiers!

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